Dating for widows and widowers
My husband now often says he would have felt fond of my previous husband and he is grateful to him that he looked out for me before we met and he’s looking out for me now so he has a fond and affectionate feeling towards him.
There has been controversy over the fact that in the new edition of the DSM [psychiatric disorders manual], you could be given antidepressants if you are recently bereaved…
I always felt I was a misfit widow because I was not following through them.
In fact, studies of actual grieving people show that they don’t follow those stages.
I wanted to try out ideas from what I was learning and see if it actually was better. One of things we [started with] was the idea that it’s helpful to people to have new experiences and friendships and humor. My goal in starting the group was to say it’s not supposed to be a group where we sit around and talk about being sad.
Instead, we get together and do new things, have fun experiences and see what comes out of that. We took a cooking class, we did a tour of the Metropolitan Museum, that was towards the beginning when I was coming up with ‘worthwhile’ things to do. We went to a spa and to a lingerie store when some of the women were ready to start dating again.
I would say if someone already suffers from depression, it should be treated and if someone is grieving, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re depressed.
I did find in the research that people tend to be traumatized by the death of a loved one more than depressed by it.
As we were together, the painful things came up, but it was naturally in conversation. I know lots of people have a hard time dealing with death so they don’t say anything because they are afraid to say the wrong thing. Whatever that person seems to be wanting to talk about, let them do it.The research found that couples who are very close and loving, when one dies, the other person is well situated to find a new partner and be happy again because that’s what they are accustomed to.People shouldn’t be made to feel guilt if that’s what they want.We also invited a group of widowers to meet us and volunteered at a camp for children who have lost someone and ultimately went on a trip to where none of us had been before.
We get together a lot now and talk about what engaged us the most. Some people say the trip; some say volunteering at the camp; some say trying on lingerie.
What are some of those outdated ideas and why are they no longer valid?