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03-Jan-2018 12:12

They’re no longer the object of my affection, a mirror for my self-worth, or an affirmation of my beauty. The night Trump was elected, I wrote about feeling lonely.

I wanted to be comforted — but I wanted it to be by someone who had an inkling of the anxiety I felt for my family, my loved ones, and for myself.

Whenever I’m standing on a subway platform, I play this game: I hover near a person I think is cute and try to slowly make my way over to him so we get in the same car. Like most of the girls in my class, I wanted attention from the boys.

When we do, I look his way every so often to see if he’s staring back, to see if we’ve got what my best friend and I call “the affinity,” a mutual acknowledgement that we one another. But while they chased after blondes and brunettes, I was ignored.

What I’m craving right now from a partner — more than feeling beautiful, more than anything — is a “black nod” version of a relationship.

I know a man isn’t going to get me through the Trump era.

It’s a pretty good way to pass the time from Brooklyn to midtown. I spent my childhood surrounded by black and brown kids, but when I got to high school, suddenly everyone around me was white.

It’s not that I don’t think white people are anxious; two months into Trump’s presidency, most of the white people in my life are activated.

“Can I say the N-word if I’m singing along to a song? ” (I don’t know dude, I ask myself the same question every goddamn day.) I know that I shouldn’t feel compelled to always speak for my race, but I can’t expect a white boyfriend to stop asking some of those questions if we’re to come to a mutual understanding.

Lately, though, I just don’t feel like answering them.

In those moments, I’ve wished to be sitting in front of someone who could relate.

Despite knowing I can feel intimacy with white guys, right now what divides us feels like a chasm.Communication is necessary for any healthy relationship, and in an interracial relationship it’s paramount.Every white man I’ve dated has, sometimes consciously and sometimes not, asked me to explain to them some aspect of blackness.The other day, I was on the subway platform playing my usual game, and I caught the eye of a black guy.



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