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Put one person in charge of six things, the other in charge of six other things, and then ask yourselves, 'How well do we do these things?
'" Better to celebrate than commiserate A new study has found that the way you respond to your partner's good news may be more important than how you react to his disappointments.
The trick was employing what Gottman calls a soft start-up, which involves telling your partner "what you need and giving them a way to succeed." His team had found that even in happy relationships, partners reciprocate anger with anger, so the easiest way to de-escalate a conflict was not to escalate it in the first place.
For instance, instead of saying, "I'm sick to death of cooking dinner, you lazy slob," Gottman suggests telling your spouse, "You know, I'm sick of my own cooking.
"So I learned from the couples we studied to say, 'You know, I'm getting that lonely feeling again.
He even suggests using the tools that make many individuals feel overextended -- a Black Berry or cell phone -- for private matters.But in a romantic context, if I say, 'Yeah, she's hot! "I don't think your grandma meant, 'You have to go on dates with everybody under every circumstance,'" says Finkel."But in a situation in which there are a bunch of eligible men, like a party, be selective." Finkel warns against interpreting this data as an invitation to sit home or play hard to get: "What you want to do is be easy for one person to get and hard for everyone else, which will increase the likelihood of that one person's liking you." It's not the journey, it's the preparation What people look for in a marriage partner is another topic Finkel has investigated. Like: Don't be picky; plan dates with your mate to Keep Love Alive; don't even try to change his annoying habits. These eye-opening and incredibly useful ideas stand conventional wisdom on its head. It's good to be picky --very picky Single women the world over will thank God for these two researchers: In a study of speed daters, Paul W. People who chose only a few contenders were more successful in getting attention and responses.